NAVIGATING THROUGH SEX, PLEASURE AND CONSENT

Keeping the young generation in the dark and hidden behind the illogical taboos that society has placed around “sex” does more harm than any good, to the young generation and to the society itself. Sex education is important and necessary, because along with increasing the knowledge of young people, it has positive effects on them and improves their attitudes and behaviors related to sexual and reproductive health. “Comprehensive sex education” prepares young people to make well-informed decisions regarding their sexuality and health and to take responsibility for their own behavior and to respect the rights of others.

Sex education teaches them the important life skills necessary to navigate through sex and pleasure in a healthy and responsible way.

ANATOMY

Sexual anatomy includes the genitals and the internal sex organs. Everyone’s sexual anatomy looks a little different. At birth, the doctors assign us a “sex” – male or female, based on our sex anatomy. But this concept of binary sexes is overly simplistic, flawed, and biased as it leaves out people whose sex anatomy might not fit the typical definition of “male” and “female”. There are different combinations of body parts and hormones and excluding others to talk about only the "binary sexes" is not an option. Sex is also a spectrum and we will discuss sex anatomies further in a different blog. 

Although sexual anatomy includes the sex organs on the outside of our body and the sex organs on the inside of our body, any part of our body can be sexual. It is said that our brain is our most important sex organ because it controls our sexual response that is how our body reacts to arousal, sex, or masturbation. It’s also where our sexual fantasies and identities originate. We can also think of our skin as one big sex organ, due to its millions of sensitive nerves. Those parts of our body that make us feel “aroused” when touched are called "erogenous zones". Fingers, neck, mouth, back, waist, any part of our body can be considered sexual depending on how it makes us feel. But not everyone has to have the same erogenous zones and not everyone has to have them either.

 

Let’s talk about Self-Stimulation or Masturbation

When it comes to masturbation, it is still stuck deep in the trenches of taboos, and we definitely do not talk about it, let alone include it in or discussion of sex education. That is because “good people do not masturbate” and “teaching all these will decrease the age at which teenagers will start having sex”, because “it is unnecessary” and “will do more harm to them than good” and whatnot. But the truth is studies have shown that unlike what the taboos say, teaching kids about masturbation in a positive and affirming way, would actually lower STI rates, make them more comfortable with their bodies, raise the age at which they have safe sex.

Masturbation, or self-stimulation of the genitals, is sex one has with themselves, it involves touching of one’s body for sexual pleasure. Masturbation can involve a person exploring their own body, but can also happen between two people.  It does not put one at risk for STI transmission or unwanted pregnancy. It thus should belong in every sex education curriculum, because it is the safest sex there is.

In order to raise sexually healthy and responsible kids, there is a need to change the way we talk about sex and that includes sex we have with ourselves. The topic of masturbation is wrapped in layers of myths and shame and eliminating it from the discussion only supports that even more, and thus we have to give them the proper knowledge they need and with a proper affirming approach, rather than having them depend on and learn from unreliable and improper sources, like for example the use of pornography which introduces unreal images producing strong and memorable responses in the brain which may lead to the addictive potential of masturbation. Sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell, M.H.Sc., explains that taking the stigma out of masturbation will help to replace shame-based sex education with pleasure-based sex education. This is the key to healthy sexual development.

But shame isn't the only message disseminated when masturbation is excluded from the discussion. Karen Rayne, who is an executive director at “Unhushed”, a nonprofit dedicated to sex-positive sex education, said that people often believe that "sex" means "partnered sex and by that they mean penis-in-vagina intercourse." It thus promotes and presents students with only a heteronormative picture of what constitutes sex, it excludes people who do not want or cannot have that kind of sex. Talking about masturbation, therefore, widens people's understanding of what constitutes "sex," making sex education more meaningful and relevant to those who don't relate to penis-in-vagina sex, or sex in general, including the LGBTQ community.

Learning about masturbation helps one to understand their own body better, set boundaries, and respect others' boundaries as well. Plenty of research has shown the health benefits of masturbation.

Masturbation can:

1.    release sexual tension
2.    reduce stress
3.    help one sleep better
4.    improve one's self-esteem and body image
5.    help treat sexual problems
6. ·   relieve menstrual cramps and muscle tension

For safe masturbation, one should clean their hands and their sex toys, if they are used and the latter should never be shared with multiple partners without cleaning due to the risk of STDs. Masturbation only becomes “too much” if it gets in the way of one’s responsibilities, or social life, and if that is the case, they should consult a therapist.

CONSENT

The term “consent” though often associated with sex, is actually much broader than that. It relates to permission and how to show respect for ourselves and for other people. Consent should therefore be addressed in an age-appropriate way across all years of schooling. From learning about asking before borrowing toys to conversations about consent and love, sex, relationships, and birth control, it should all begin during childhood and evolve as young people grow. Students should be taught how to affirm and respect personal boundaries and learn about public and private body parts and the importance of using correct terminology.

Consent is not as simple as ‘no means no’.

The main point of consent is that everyone should be comfortable with what they’re engaging in. If anyone feels uncomfortable at any point, they have the right to stop then and there. Whereas, while being on the other side, if one sees that the person they are interacting with is being uncomfortable in any way, they need to ensure whether the person is enthusiastic about the activity, no matter what it may be. We need to understand that consent is not about doing whatever we want until we hear the word “no”, rather, ideally, we want all our sexual encounters to involve an enthusiastic “yes”. Also if the partner struggles to say the word “yes” enthusiastically, it is important to pay attention to body language and non-verbal cues. Checking in on one's partner regularly is necessary. It is important that our partner is enjoying the activity as much as we are, and if we are ever unsure about that, we should stop and ask them. Young people also need to know just that because one has agreed to do something in the past, does not mean they have to agree to do it again. Everyone has the right to change their mind at any time or even partway through an activity.

When it comes to sexual activity, we should be clear that:

• Even though the law defines “sex” as an activity that involves penetration, which in itself is a flawed concept, none the less other sexual activities can and should be considered indecent assault.
• There needs to be a degree of equality between sexual partners and it is coercive to use a position of power or methods such as manipulation, trickery, or bribery to obtain sex.
• A person who is incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol is not able to give consent.
• Wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is not necessarily an invitation for other things. These stereotypes need to be broken down for good.
• The POCSO Act also increased the age of consent for sexual activity (referred hereafter as “age of consent”) from 16 years to 18 years for children of all genders.  

We should be careful never to oversimplify the issue of consent. We need to understand that regardless of age, sexual negotiation can be a difficult or awkward process for anyone to navigate through.

 

 

For our next blog head on to: https://letstalksexed3.blogspot.com/2021/05/what-is-sexuality-sexuality-is-termwe.html